Filling a Year

July 20, 2019

Filling a Year

It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been over a year since I last wrote. This past year has certainly not been lacking for adventure. True to the name of my blog, I moved south, to Southern California. After living so long in my hometown, I felt the deep need for motion and newness that I cannot explain. I picked up my life, left my job of 15 years, underwent a heart wrenching breakup that hit me to the core. I started life over from the most fundamental.

After I moved, I sometimes wondered why I had blown up my perfectly good life. Perhaps being comfortable in my life felt too easy. I was wondering if everything I had surrounded myself with had become a crutch, allowing me to live within the safe confines of routine and habit.

And what happened? As difficult as my move was at times, I actually never regretted it. Stripping away all of the externalities that normally define me forced me to look at what was the essential me. What inspired me? What was a fulfilling life? Stripped of a job that had defined me for almost my entire adult life, generations of friends dating back to my childhood, and familiar places that housed years of memories, I often felt unmoored. I was far away from the people and places that grounded me. Insecurities I hadn't realized could be so powerful gnawed at me.

In the Bay Area, everyone is overachieving in life, constantly pushing and striving. In Southern California, people are off in their own worlds, not even running the same race as everyone else. Life was slower in Orange County. I didn't need to be comparing how much and how far I was going. It was enough.

As important as work is to me, I realized that my work alone is not enough to sustain me. It could not be my sole reason for existing somewhere. I had taken for granted my deep support network at home, not for filling my calendar, but for grounding me, loving me unconditionally, and reminding me unconsciously of who I am at every turn. And as my life started to come together after the year, I did see that I could start over again from scratch and build a new life, build community if and when I wanted to. It just needed a lot of time and investment.

In the end, I came back. Home. The summer fog doesn’t feel quite as cold, the Ubers slightly less annoying, and my understanding of the concept of "home" has deepened.